Biff: Welcome to the WOC-TV Evening News from Oconomowoc, Wisconsin. I'm Biff Deltoid...
Connie: ...and I'm Connie Coiffure. Well, the heat wave continues unabated and a huge, flaming object, believed to be a meteorite, fell on a farm near Grovers Mill, New Jersey. But the big news today happened in computer stores everywhere, right, Biff?
Biff: Right, Connie. Microsoft released Windows 95 today, and all Oconomowoc is abuzz.
Connie: We're going to go to one of those stores now, where Natalie Stankie has a live report. Natalie?
Natalie: Thanks, Connie. We're here at Verne's Computers and Live Bait, where chaos reins. I'm going to try to get through the screaming throng to speak to one of the customers just emerging from the store with what appears to be a tattered copy of Windows 95. Sir? Sir?
Lucky Customer: Let me through! Let me through!
Natalie: Let go of my collar; I'm the media.
Lucky Customer: Oh. Sorry.
Natalie: Forget it. Can you tell us what you're feeling right now?
Lucky Customer: I'm shaken. They ran out a few minutes ago. I got one of the last copies.
Natalie: But there must be hundreds of people still trying to get in.
Lucky Customer: Must be. I'm afraid it's gonna get ugly in there.
Natalie: Well, that's the story from Verne's. Back to you, Connie.
Connie: Thanks, Natalie. So how big is this phenomenon, Biff?
Biff: Connie, let's go to media analyst Myron Clummer for his view on the size of this thing.
Myron: Biff, according to a chart in today's USA Today, Microsoft has already spent more money on the Windows 95 launch than it spent on the entire Windows 3 launch, the previous record.
Biff: How does the impact compare with, say, the O.J. Simpson trial, Myron?
Myron: Well, now you're talking about the most important event of our time, Biff. Windows 95 will change Oconomowocians in ways we can't even imagine today, but remember, the Simpson trial went on for about a year. That said, this first day of the Windows 95 media blitz is bigger than any single day of the O.J. Simpson trial.
Connie: Biff, I've just been informed that roving reporter Guglielmo Weezer is at the outlet mall. Guglielmo?
Guglielmo: Thanks, Connie. I'm talking with Jack Scupper, a marine biologist currently living in a refrigerator carton behind Safeway.
Connie: Not a lot of call for marine biologists in Oconomowoc, eh, Guglielmo?
Guglielmo: Right you are, Connie. Mr. Scupper, can you share with the WOC-TV viewers your unique homeless perspective on this revolutionary development?
Jack: Frankly, I think it's a testament to the genius of Bill Gates. He's my hero.
Guglielmo: I hear that a lot. Is Bill old enough to run for President in 1996, Connie?
Connie: Interesting question, Guglielmo. But how about the other end of the spectrum, Biff?
Biff: Well, we have Wall Street analyst Larry Bullfeather on the phone. Larry, we just heard the story on the street; what's the story on the Street?
Larry: I've never seen anything like it, Biff. Microsoft stock has just gone through the roof.
Biff: Would you call this a bullish vote of confidence in Microsoft's technology, Larry?
Larry: That, Biff, and a reaction to today's vote on Capitol Hill to eliminate funding for the Antitrust Division of the Department of Justice.
Biff: This just in: Huge, tentacled creatures with black eyes and V-shaped mouths dripping saliva were seen crawling out of that meteorite that fell near Grovers Mill, New Jersey, earlier today.
Connie: Do you suppose they use Windows 95, Biff?
Biff: If they don't now, I'll bet they will soon, Connie.
Connie: From WOC-TV, Oconomowoc, Wisconsin, this is Connie Coiffure...
Biff: ...and Biff Deltoid saying, Good night and sweet dreams.
Michael Swaine
editor-at-large
MikeSwaine@eworld.com
Copyright © 1995, Dr. Dobb's Journal